May 2011
05/25/2011
"Holy Crap! Wolfpac gets Killed 25-8"
On a muddy field in the King’s Grant Saturday softball league, the first place Ott’s Masturbatters squared off against the 8th place Wolfpac.
Before the start of the game, controversy over an illegal bat used by the Ott’s Masturbatters was called to the umpire’s attention by Wolfpac captain Mike Abruscato. “I’m not going to pitch against you guys with that Freak, FX 700 bat. I’m trying to lower my ERA of 36.75.”
The umpire abiding to the request of Mike Abruscato, disallowed the use of the FX 700 bat.
A rattled Ott’s Masturbatters only managed one run in the first and the Wolfpac kept the game close due to the great defense by Mike B. In the second inning, a blooping foul ball went down the third base line. Mike B tracked it down like a grizzly bear lunging into a stream of salmon. He dove into the protecting chain line fence for a highlight reel catch..
One of the spectators near the third base line screamed with amazement. “I just wet myself!”
Hard nose right center fielder Mark of the Wolfpac injured his hand by dislocating his index finger in the second inning. Mark charged into home-plate, and went full steam into the backstop.. While trying to brace his momentum he caught his finger in the backstop fencing.
Trying to play through the pain, Mark took to the field for the top of the third. Leading 5-3, the Ott’s Masturbatters rallied for 3 more runs in the inning behind an RBI double by Alan, and a 2 run inside the park home-run by Chris.
After the inning was over Mark collapsed in pain from his injured finger. Medical examiner and team captain Mike Abruscato diagnosed Mark with a dislocated finger and sidelined Mark for the rest of the game.
With a lone wolf on the “inability to perform” list, the Wolpack had to forfeit an out, everytime Mark’s spot came up in the batting order.
Sitting in the shade trying to recuperate form his injury, Mark moaned in pain, while sipping on his plastic water-bottle. A young man riding along the bike path stopped by to aid the dishearten Mark.
“What’s wrong dude?”
“I hurt my finger. I think I broke it, I can’t move it all” Mark replied
The young man not concerned started to point at the lake, located behind the softball field. “That’s nothing, you should of been here yesterday, somebody drove their car in the lake.”
A rugged man, of medium height with a full bushy beard engulfed with honey bee’s overhears the conversation.
“You think that is bad, I have a family of honey bees trapped in my beard. It has its advantages though, the honey they produce is phenomenal.”
An image of a man flickering in and out like a hologram beams up between the three men’s conversation chimes in.
“Ah, you think that is bad, my molecular structure was overtaken by Aliens. Right now, I’m not even standing here. How do you explain to your children, that their father is an experimental life-form that is controlled by super intelligent Aliens. But, at least I have my health.”
With a shortened Wolfpac line-up, the Otts Masterbatters began to pull away in the 6th inning. Jay drove in 2 RBIs with a drive in the gap. Then Alan followed with a 2 run home run blast to put the Ott’s Masterbatters up 18-6. By the end of the inning Otts put up 8 runs to take a 20-6 lead.
A frustrated Wolfpac bench detested their opponent’s arrogance. Sharon the Wolfpac’s catcher vented her dislike of the Ott’s Masterbatter’s character “Those guys are obnoxious and play like its the seventh game of the World Series. If, I wasn’t tired of watching their homeruns, I would of drop kicked a dude by now.”
Mike F of the Wolfpac ended the game with a solo homerun. Then Mark’s vacant spot in the line-up conceded the final out. 25-8 the final.
After the game the Ott’s Masterbatters captain Dom gave his post-game thoughts. “We, had a very easy opponent. I could of played blindfolded, and a beer in one hand. But I would like to nominated Mike Abruscato as a Cy Young candidate. He lowered his league worse ERA to 31.89. Good job!”
Mike Abruscato answered his critics after the game. “Shout out to my pitching coach Al Murray, who taught me everything I know. We finish the game, with a short line-up and never gave up. I’m proud to call myself the leader of the Wolfpac. Owoooooooo!!!!!”
The rugged man with a beard full of honey bees, made a puzzling facial expression after the loud howl by Mike Abruscato. “What a weirdo!”
05/16/2011
Natural Lights as scene on TV
“One shall stand, one shall fall “ as one famous Autobot said to another Decepticon. In Tuesday night’s Roller Hockey action, the heavily favorite Devlin Danglers face offed against the Natural Lights.
Defending champions of the fall season the previous named Whalers, changed their name to the Natural Lights. Captain Brian Boitano, yes the Brian Boitano. 3 time Olympic Champion, Cult Figure Skating Star, and a host of his very own cooking show on the Food Network. Explained why such a drastic name change.
“I felt, we were getting bad press as the Whalers. This scumbag, the Chief Editor of the Daily Whaler would harass us with his witty blog posts. So, to get away from the constant cyber bullying, we decided to change our name. Plus, who doesn’t like a cold Natural Light.”
Before the start of the game, goaltender star of the Deviln Danglers Rosco Gang Green had some fearsome words for his opponent the Natural Lights. “ I’m going to take out everyone one by one like a Navy Seal. I’ve waited 6 long years for this game. Each night, I would sleep with a picture of Boitano next to to my bed. When, I would awake from a long night of lovemaking, I would grab my handy gizmo knife out of my left sock and repeatedly stab the photo of Boitano. This is going to get personal.”
Mark “Loophole” Lupponetti started the scoring 2 minutes and 23 seconds into the first half with a twisted wrist shot from the slot. He beat opposing goaltender Jody Hull low glove side. Loophole shot was so powerful, that he didn’t move his head.
With a 3-1 lead, the Deviln Danglers were killing a penalty at the end of the first half. Natural Lights defence-men Matt Arena, turned the ball over to a fore-checking Frank “the Tank” Ceretelle. Frank the Tank, took the opportune turnover, and went all alone on a breakaway. The tank, deke Jody Hull out of his goalie shoes, and toe dragged the ball for an open net goal.
We interrupt this important blog article, for a message from the Grammar Police. 
“Ahh.... This is Lieutenant Matt Arena of the Grammar Police. I would like to inform our readers of a blatant grammar mistake in the title of this article. Natural Lights as scene on TV is incorrect. Scene should be spelled seen, not scene. If, I’m going to be made fun of, it must be proper English. I’m getting mighty tired of circling red pen marks on my computer monitor.”
During the first intermission, with the Deviln Danglers ahead, 4-1. Rosco Gang Green, had an altercation with defense-men Matt Arena.
Apparently the opposing forward of the Natural Lights made physical contact with Rosco Gang Green in front of his net. The forward went to his bench and complained about the rude conduct.
“That goalie is playing rather improper and unfair. He is a buffoon of a monster. It was unnecessary for the repeated shoves and slashed I received. I protest.”
Gang Green over hearing the complaining by the Natural Lights bench, barked out some discouraging words.
“If any of you Keebler elves stand in front of my crease, I will hack your shins into a bloody pulp.”
Matt Arena trying to protect his teammates and saving the world of improper grammar intervene. “Gang Green you suck! You’re the worse goalie ever!”
"Hey Richie Cunningham, can you cover up those short shorts. My eyes are starting to hurt, from those white unprotected thighs.” Gang Green replied.
Matt Arena retorted, “These shorts are made of special polyester fabric, that allow me to skate faster. They won’t make any shorts shorter than this.”
The referee of the match, skated to the Devlin’s Danglers bench and ponder out loud “Are these guys for real?”
With a 4-1 lead going into the second half, Gang Green’s tempered outburst had given the Danglers an edge to unmercifully destroy the Natural Lights.
Joey Morrotto added 2 goals in the second half, followed by goals from Brandon Tungstall, Tom Fadako, and Ed Shakya.
The final whistle had blown, and the Deviln Danglers were victorious 9-1.
Still heated from his altercation with Matt Arena, and a deep seeded hatred towards the rest of the team. Gang Green held a press conference outside of the Deviln Danglers locker-room.
“Before, I field any questions from the media. I would like to make the following statement. I, Rosco Gang Green, currently with a 2-0 record, a GAA of 1.00, Save Percentage of .967, is the greatest goalie of all-time. And team Natural Lights suck more than a new born breast feeding.”
That was the argument about during the intermission?
“Next time, the arenas should leave their purses at home. They were lucky Momma Green was in attendance, or I would of choked a bitch.”
It sounds, like you have a vendetta with the Arenas. Why so much animosity?
"Well, it started years ago at the Waterford Gardens. I was never respected by those guys. They made fun of my masturbating habit, my dating techniques of climbing into trees and starring at women from afar, and my ability to seduce women with sexually mysterious eyes. This was a game I really wanted to win.”
Grammar Police interjection. “Ahh.. you spelled starring wrong its staring, not starring. Gang Green was never starring in anything. Grammar police will not put up with these stupidity.”
Gang Green shakes his head in disgust “You see why, I can’t stand these guys.”
05/05/2011
Gag on These Balls
Trio of team Gag on our Balls, ( Adam, Brian Alber, and Matt Alber)
A co-ed dodgeball league is a place to joke around with friends, have a good laugh, and play a childhood favorite game. It’s a relaxing sport that releases the frustrations of a grueling work day, by launching foam balls at one another.
Last night team Gag on our Balls released a whopping onto team Situation, with a 11-2 slaughter. Led by the Alber brothers Brian and Matt, one known for winning Stanley Cups with Wayne Gretzky, the other crowned for being the Sweatiest Man Alive by Maxim Magazine.
Gag on our Balls showed dominated form by taking Game 1 with the Alber brothers hurling dodgeballs, like burly lumberjacks in a sawmill.
Brian Alber fired his team up by sweating all over the surface before the opening whistle. He stood before his teammates and shouted aloud. “Bring the intensity! We are Gag on our Balls!”
In Game 2, team Situation even the series by eliminating the Alber brothers early. It was only Adam and his “Pauly D blowout” left for defeat.
Game 3, Gag on our Balls fought back by quickly eliminating team Situation, in 2 minutes and 34 seconds.
Game 4: Situation called a foul on Brian Alber for sweating over the center line. “Como on Dude, keep the sweat on your side.” they protested. Brian ignored the controversy and fired the game winning throw.
Game 5: A more tactical game of strategy as Situation, held onto the ball longer and talk it over with teammates about the next move. Alber brothers just gave each other a nod, and began a barrage of grunt filled throws. Brian once again clinches the game with final throw.
Game 6: I got an text message about the Flyers game, and was distracted. Gag on our Balls won again with Brian’s clinching throw.
Game 7: Was a game for the ladies. Gag on our Balls female stars fought back with only two players left.
Game 8: Firing squad came out for Gag on our Balls by simultaneously chucking balls at the only female player left on team Situation. She ran back and forth taunting the Gag on our Balls with pirouettes in the air. Light on her feet, she was rather impressive dodging numerous throws. Matt ended the brief ballerina recital, with a hard throw to the lower region.
Game 9: Team Situation makes a heroic late charge and attempted a comeback in the series. A great catch by the big guy in red. It was amazing.
Games 10-13: I feel asleep, but Gag on our Balls ended with a 11-2 victory. Team Situation refused to speak to the media afterwards, stated that it was cutting into their creeping time.
The real story was the dominance of the Alber brothers, whom are making a bid for dodgeball immortality. I managed to speak to the two after the game.
I admit this was the first dodgeball game I’ve ever been to. Still new to this sport, but I sense star power when I see it. And you guys were phenomenal tonight. Any endorsement deals in the making?
Brian: “I’ was contacted by Degree Body Deodorant for Men. They were coming out with a new line of Antiperspirant, that prevents sweating. But, when I show up for the commercial I accidentally sweated all over the electrical camera equipment, and started a fire. It was rather tragic as I was the only survivor. I’m still waiting for other offers.”
That’s unfortunate, maybe in the future. Where did you learn to play dodgeball so well?
Matt: “After my hall of fame career in the NHL, I decided to pick up another sport. I called up my brother after my press conference, and he said Matt lets walk with the dragon in the Glory Days Sports Co-Ed Dodgeball league. I said, I already have the knee pads on bro.”
Brian: “We both, learned under a great dodgeball teacher. Practices were hard, conditioning was tough, and hours of proper throwing technique. We had only one goal in mind, that was to be the greatest brother duo in the history of a Co-Ed Dodgeball league.”
Any advice to the young fans, out there that want to get into the competitive sport of Co-Ed Dodgeball?
Brian: “Eat a lot of high protein foods, get at least 11 hours sleep a day, and bring an extra t-shirt to change into.”
Matt: “It’s about playing for the logo on your t-shirt. Never put yourself ahead of your teammates. When I look at our shirts and see the team logo of a man gagging on a pair of balls, it immediately transforms me into a dodgeball killing machine.”
The Wednesday night Co-Ed league still has 6 more weeks of exciting dodgeball action remaining. We’ll follow up later on in the season, with more coverage and exclusive interviews.
